10/24/2014 11:51 pm est.
So after my emotional breakdown this morning I had a much better day than night/morning. No yelling, no name calling, no people flipping out on anyone else; it was all around better. Here's hoping that tomorrow will be awesome because I need a good day here soon.
For those of you not in the know, tomorrow is a Halloween party a friend of mine and my mother's is throwing to commemorate her 3rd wedding anniversary and her and her hubby's favorite holiday, Halloween :) So the only catch is....her son is my ex boyfriend but it's okay cause I am going as a Dominatrix which he thinks is very sexy, high heels, leather pants, corset, leather jacket, I am going to show him he lost me and can't get me back :) It will be simply perfect to see him following me around wanting me, maybe drooling a little ;) As you can tell I am having fun with all this and I don't care cause fun is the point.
Friday, October 24, 2014
Dark Days
10/24/2014 4:40am
So it seems that I'm so fucked up or something that all I want to do is lay in bed and listen to sad sappy love songs and cry my eyes out cause everything has built up so much all I can do is cry. Everything is so horrible all I feel like doing is legit go to sleep and not wake up for a few days so I can do nothing but heal myself from all this shit I have been doing to myself.
I'm tired, so very tired of everything; of being everyone's rock, their emotional punching bag, the tag line of jokes made by fucking family members my own mother even, of being ignored, of feeling like the black sheep, of not being able to turn off my abilities for fear of not being able to turn them back on, of being scared of letting the true me show through for fear of people and what they say about me, of being grouped with people because of my religious choices, of letting people in only to have my stain glass heart broken again and a few little peices taken away so that I have to put it all back together when nothing fits together again, of live but not living just the way my life is right now.
I've done every thing they say to do, to pray, to ask forgiveness, to repent, to help others, to seek help, but when prayers go unanswered, forgiveness isn't given, repents aren't heard, with others don't need your help, when to seek help means I'll be locked up and deemed insane and tests ran on me; what do I do when all else fails? When all the meditation just sets you on edge, when simple conversations feel like direct attacks, when life is on its head.... sleep that is a good answer.
Well Lisha, what happens when you can't sleep?
That's simple, its something called "Curl up and Cry." Have any of you heard of it? Show of hands. Well if you raised your hand then you understand me, good but you are also raising your hand in front of your computer like an idiot.
Okay all joking aside, literally every night I'm having a "Dark Day" (or in this case night/ morning) and I can't sleep I curl up in a ball and cry hysterically with music playing so no one hears me gasping for air cause I have cried so hard I'm literally having heaves in my chest from my lungs trying to overwork themselves. Most of these, thankfully, leave me so exhausted I fall asleep still crying and heaving for breath but then you have the ones like this one where I have been in my room since 10 pm est and it is now 5:22 am est and I have pretty much been crying most of the time besides the portion where I was talking to my boyfriend from 10 pm est to 12 am est. I will probably fall asleep after the sun comes up shortly and then wake up about noon getting less than six hours of sleep and that will be my normal for a few days.
So it seems that I'm so fucked up or something that all I want to do is lay in bed and listen to sad sappy love songs and cry my eyes out cause everything has built up so much all I can do is cry. Everything is so horrible all I feel like doing is legit go to sleep and not wake up for a few days so I can do nothing but heal myself from all this shit I have been doing to myself.
I'm tired, so very tired of everything; of being everyone's rock, their emotional punching bag, the tag line of jokes made by fucking family members my own mother even, of being ignored, of feeling like the black sheep, of not being able to turn off my abilities for fear of not being able to turn them back on, of being scared of letting the true me show through for fear of people and what they say about me, of being grouped with people because of my religious choices, of letting people in only to have my stain glass heart broken again and a few little peices taken away so that I have to put it all back together when nothing fits together again, of live but not living just the way my life is right now.
I've done every thing they say to do, to pray, to ask forgiveness, to repent, to help others, to seek help, but when prayers go unanswered, forgiveness isn't given, repents aren't heard, with others don't need your help, when to seek help means I'll be locked up and deemed insane and tests ran on me; what do I do when all else fails? When all the meditation just sets you on edge, when simple conversations feel like direct attacks, when life is on its head.... sleep that is a good answer.
Well Lisha, what happens when you can't sleep?
That's simple, its something called "Curl up and Cry." Have any of you heard of it? Show of hands. Well if you raised your hand then you understand me, good but you are also raising your hand in front of your computer like an idiot.
Okay all joking aside, literally every night I'm having a "Dark Day" (or in this case night/ morning) and I can't sleep I curl up in a ball and cry hysterically with music playing so no one hears me gasping for air cause I have cried so hard I'm literally having heaves in my chest from my lungs trying to overwork themselves. Most of these, thankfully, leave me so exhausted I fall asleep still crying and heaving for breath but then you have the ones like this one where I have been in my room since 10 pm est and it is now 5:22 am est and I have pretty much been crying most of the time besides the portion where I was talking to my boyfriend from 10 pm est to 12 am est. I will probably fall asleep after the sun comes up shortly and then wake up about noon getting less than six hours of sleep and that will be my normal for a few days.
Monday, September 8, 2014
Hello Health!
Okay so it has been about a year ago now that I have been on here and I have decided I would come back after a rough year of forgetting people and finding new people to fill my life with and also finding myself again.
When I started this whole journey back in November of 2013 I weighed almost four hundred pounds. I now, remarkably, weigh three hundred and thirty-six pounds. To some people they would look at that number and cringe or throw up in their mouth or say "Poor thing, she'll die young." Well when I look at that number I am happy and pleased over what i have done and that I did it with little or not help from anyone else.
Looking at myself over the past few months I have had ups and downs, mainly downs and well even when I had the downs and wanted to absolutely quit I had people helping me, pushing me, reminding me of how much I need to change for myself. Now I have a wonderful boyfriend who I am madly in love with who is with me every step of the way and he is helping to keep me on track and motivated when i just want to quit. I am quite happy I have him and I am on my way to a better me!
When I started this whole journey back in November of 2013 I weighed almost four hundred pounds. I now, remarkably, weigh three hundred and thirty-six pounds. To some people they would look at that number and cringe or throw up in their mouth or say "Poor thing, she'll die young." Well when I look at that number I am happy and pleased over what i have done and that I did it with little or not help from anyone else.
Looking at myself over the past few months I have had ups and downs, mainly downs and well even when I had the downs and wanted to absolutely quit I had people helping me, pushing me, reminding me of how much I need to change for myself. Now I have a wonderful boyfriend who I am madly in love with who is with me every step of the way and he is helping to keep me on track and motivated when i just want to quit. I am quite happy I have him and I am on my way to a better me!
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