Dear Haters

Dear Haters,

I have HATED MYSELF ALL BECAUSE OF YOU! For years and years I literally thought I was the UGLIEST creature to ever walk this planet because of things YOU said to me.

I cut myself, my wrists, my legs, my stomach, anywhere I could cover up easily so my mother wouldn't ask about it. I would turn up the sound on my television so no one would hear me cry myself to sleep. I BEGGED my mother to let me stay home from school so I didn't look at your faces and listen to your cruelty behind my back cause you were to much of a PANSY to say it to my face!

I used to look in the mirror and ask myself what was wrong with me, why do people hate me, am I to different, am I really that ugly, do I really look like a beached whale... I couldn't figure out what possessed these people to pick on me for my brain, my weight, my smarts, my imagination, anything that was different.

I remember there was a time where I didn't pick up a book or a pencil and paper in school because I couldn't deal with all the back lash from all of you people making me feel like I was stupid and disgusting! From the start of school I have listened to your snickers and comments about me and I'm sick of it, I'm two years out of high school and I STILL deal with you and your bile filled hate speech.

• You're fat
• You're to different
• You need to go die
• I hate you because of your size and the way you speak about things like you know more than I do
• You're so stupid why even bother

And so many more...

Despite all this, all the nights I have cried, the pain I have inflicted on myself because of you, the mind games I still play with myself because of the things you have told me all these years....I forgive you.

I forgive you for making me feel like I would never be good enough for anyone because of who I am, for making me feel like I am so ugly no one could ever love me, that if I did find someone who loved me they would leave me because I was to different, that I was worthless because I was born.

I forgive every single person who called me names, treated me bad and caused me to think I am ugly, never believing people who say good things about me because only people who pity me would do that. I do not hate you for not wanting to understand me or be friends with me.

There is something I will not stand for though...acting like these things never happened and trying to be all unicorns and rainbows towards me now. I will not stand for people like you, that is why you are NOT in my life and NEVER will be.

I have become a better person because of you, I have grown and surpassed anything you ever thought I could be and do because of the hate you poured into my veins through my ears. I have begun to see myself differently, to love the body I am in and treat it with the respect it deserves as I become the best version of myself with so much help from you that you don't even realize because in your mind "it never happened".

I am who I am today because of you and I forgive you and release that part of my life to rid my energy of all the hate so I can move up and beyond you and your low vibrations.

Thank you, really.

On my mind recently

6/3/2015 1:21 A.M.

Okay so I know the jury is still out on how people are reacting to Caitlyn Jenner making her debut in this world but I agree with those people who consider her a hero because she is a hero in the transgender community because she spoke out and said "This is who I am and who I have always been".  For some people in the community that is something they could never do to their family and close friends let alone the entire world as she did.

Just because she wasn't a solider who was in the line of duty and got injured like Noah Galloway or any other solider past present and future doesn't mean she isn't a hero.  Hero's come in all shapes and sizes, I have saved a few of my friends from committing suicide, people see me as a hero for it.  A friend of mine saved kids on his school bus after is wrecked, Caitlyn is a voice for people and a role model in the trans community now and that is heroic.  For people to say she isn't a hero is a form of bullying to be honest to those people who think she is.

I think religion and personal views need to be left at the door on this one because if I believe she is a hero no one can tell me she isn't because of who she used to be or because of "God's Law" or whatever else people want to say.  My heros are not your heros and they never will be.  You believe she isn't a hero because of X, Y, Z but I believe she is because of X, Y, Z.  You have your opinion and I have mine, do not shove your opinion down my throat and I won't shove mine down yours.

If she is not your hero that is fine but don't tell people they can't see her as a hero because of her choices, who she was, your religious views, your social standings, your political views or anything because we are all entitled to our opinions and our feelings on certain things.  You can write about your opinion as I am doing now.

If you think you can shove your opinion down my throat you are wrong because as the human species we have the ability and need to form our own opinions and beliefs about the world and individuals therefor if you try you will be met with more resistance than you ever could imagine and I will blatantly tell you to back off of my views, beliefs and opinions because they are mine and no one can make me believe something I don't believe in just as I can not make you believe in something you don't believe in.

Respect eachother's opinions and beliefs because we are individuals and create our own beliefs and opinions because our brains are not all the same.  Tell about why she isn't your hero but don't tell others she isn't their hero too simply because you don't see her as one.

Acceptance is key in this day and age, accept other's choices and move on, don't wallow in pity and hatred, understand that your choices are not theirs and Caitlyn chose what was best for her because of her beliefs, opinions and feelings.  Coexist people, please.

Self Appreciation

12:03 AM 5/20/2015

So  here recently I have come to the conclusion that I need to stop thinking about what everyone else wants for me, what other's think of me, how others think I am.  I am me and if you don't like it I'm not sorry for being the person I am because you aren't sorry for molding me into what I am.

I have had so many people leave me because they found out who I was on the inside.  I am strong, determined, creative, sensitive, worried, afraid and independent.  All of those scare the hell out of people but I know it take a certain type of person to deal with me and hardly anyone wants to even try to understand me because of how opinionated I am about literally everything.

 People think I am a bitch because I stand my ground when I know something is right because of all the research I have done.  I am not like others in my generation because I actually care about what is going on in this world and I see outside the bubble our society has created for us to live in.

When I look at this world I see it through a looking glass much like Alice did when she first stepped through the looking glass into Wonderland.  I am looking back into the world Alice left, the grey world of rain and drab and acceptance to the ways of everyone else, a world of plastic look a likes who don't know what it means to be your own person.

The world I am in is vibrant with people from every religion and ethnic group all living in peace and harmony, exotic colors splashed around in the most perfect pattern ever known to man, smells of every region of the world, spices in the warm sun letting off their fragrance, fruits and vegetables just teeming with vibrancy and life, no meat shops because life is sacred and cherished.  There are no people dying from hunger or ailments.  It's the perfect world and everyone is allowed to join if only they would notice what the heck is going on outside of their bubble and come through the looking glass and join me.

I love myself, I never used to love myself and I was in a very dark place.  I was on the verge of ending it all a few times because I had let others beat me down over and over and over not ever looking up always thinking I was wrong in everything I said.  I was a loner child with a high IQ and low popularity.  I was the kid no one would talk to because I was weird and others felt like I was radiating a weird feeling.  Well now I don't care what others think because the love I have for myself surpasses any hate they have for me.

Fruits and veggies are your friends

Fruits and veggies are your friends unless you are on the Standard American Diet or SAD for short.  Then fruits and veggies are your worst enemy because 'they don't taste good', 'they're to expensive', 'there's no protein in them so why eat them', 'they're carbs and carbs are bad.'  All of the preceding statements I even thought were true at one point and time in my life.  This of course was before I went vegetarian about four months ago.

When I first started I used cheese on EVERYTHING that was an unfamiliar vegetable but now I have learned that the flavor of veggies are unique  and delicious.

I did this for health reasons and I may not see the shifting of major pounds on the scales but I am feeling a lot better.  It's a daily struggle but I will be strong.

Get Your Geek On

5/9/2015  1:14 AM

So I'm a geek and I know it.  I mean I watch BBC America because it plays Doctor Who and Star Trek: The Next Generation.  I am a huge fan of both of those shows and have been since I was little.

 I guess I have been a gothic nerd/geek since I was born.  I grew up listening to Styx, AC/DC, Ozzy, Black Sabbath, Metallica, Pink Floyd and all of the other bands which paved the walk way for all the heavy metal bands known today by today's youth.

I have been brought up on the arts, reading, writing, drawing, music and when I have children they will be brought up in a similar fashion as I was because I felt it allowed me to grow and become who I am today no matter how much others tell me I am wrong.  I will allow my children to be as bright, colorful, creative, and individualized as they want because I will not have children who follow the social norms because it is easy and there is no work involved.

 I want them to find themselves within their imagination like I did, and when they come home explaining how people have been mean to them because of how they act, dress, speak or anything they do I will cuddle them close and tell them it will be okay simply because I am okay and I went through the exact same thing when I was their age.  I will tell them they are just scared of their creativity and not sure how to take them because they are all the same and they don't know how to take things that are different but they will come to understand at some point.  Till then just tough it out and be yourself because you are perfectly imperfect and always will be.

And if that makes me weird and an uber geek then so be it!  I will let my Freak Flag Fly and Get My Geek On till the day I die and I don't care who dislikes me because of it!

Question for the masses

5/8/15 7:50 PM

So this is a short one for you guys, whoever reads this blog.  I want to know how your day is going, I want to start an ongoing conversation between all of us as to how we are doing and become an extended family of sorts.  Please, leave me a comment if you read this telling me how your day went.

Understanding

5/6/2015 5:48 PM

So it has come to my attention not to recently that some people feel like nothing is complete in their lives without trolling on the internet.  I know I am not the most fit person on the face of this planet but I am trying and doing things slowly and with deliberation.  Others who are already at their peak and love themselves need to be celebrated if they are helping others like some people I follow on social media.

The person in question is a fully raw vegan and she is beautiful.  People say she has jaundice, is anorexic, is not real.  But she doesn't have jaundice, it's called lighting on a darker skin tone.  She isn't anorexic, she loves her body and doesn't like the idea of anyone self harming by restricting calories, purging or anything else associated with an eating disorder.  She is very real, she gives people advice on how to become the best version of themselves as they can be.

I am not fully raw vegan but I am a vegetarian by choice and I love it.  I tried eating chicken the other day and the texture and flavor made me sick.  I did this for me and my health and I will continue to do it for me and my health.  I love the way I feel and I have no reason to stop.

Why?

5/6/2015 3:02am

Why am I still awake, why am I not asleep curled up under my blankets dreaming of my boyfriend and our future?

I will tell you why I am awake...  Nightmares, night terrors that nothing but being in someone's arms will ever help.

Here recently nothing has helped, I fell asleep on skype with my bf and he stayed on with me almost an hour and i woke up twice almost screaming and crying.

Every night it is something different.  Last night it was my family being tortured before my eyes and I was stuck behind a plate of thick glass, they didn't even know I was there.  Tonight it was my sister being raped as she cried out for me to help her but I was tied down and couldn't get loose.  Things like this when it's hurting others or animals no matter who it is, they are what get me the most.  I could care less if you hurt me but hurt my family and we have a problem.

I just can't help but worry that the might terrors are a bad omen for problems to come in the family...

Guess I should try and go back to bed even if I don't sleep.

Spiteful Bile Spewing Creatures

Sometimes I wonder why the world is still such a cruel place to those of society who are different. I have very little faith in humanity anymore because of the hurtful and spiteful people who have never walked a thousand miles in the oppressed person's shoes before they spew their searing daggers of bile and repulsion. Their words cut deeper than any blade ever could, creating a living wound from which they bleed every day not blood of their physical body but blood of their spiritual, mental, emotional bodies in many different ways. Following them everywhere they go those wounds bleed bright colors of the true self they have to hide because of hateful creatures who roam this Earth to disgusted by themselves that they have to take it out on others just to feel better about what they see before them in the mirror, the monster they really are. These people who will become the future of our society very soon who do not understand others in different cultures, different living situations, different religious views, different gender identifications, different sexual preferences, different anything! Those people make me wonder how much longer anyone slightly different will be able to survive in this world, not just this country but the whole world. It makes me worry about my future and possible children's future and the future of everyone I know. I just wish there was something I could do. Society needs to learn love and understanding as those of us who already have those qualities know how to use them....

So... Update

10/24/2014 11:51 pm est.

So after my emotional breakdown this morning I had a much better day than night/morning.  No yelling, no name calling, no people flipping out on anyone else; it was all around better.  Here's hoping that tomorrow will be awesome because I need a good day here soon.

For those of you not in the know, tomorrow is a Halloween party a friend of mine and my mother's is throwing to commemorate her 3rd wedding anniversary and her and her hubby's favorite holiday, Halloween :)  So the only catch is....her son is my ex boyfriend but it's okay cause I am going as a Dominatrix which he thinks is very sexy, high heels, leather pants, corset, leather jacket, I am going to show him he lost me and can't get me back :)  It will be simply perfect to see him following me around wanting me, maybe drooling a little ;) As you can tell I am having fun with all this and I don't care cause fun is the point.

Dark Days

10/24/2014 4:40am

So  it seems that I'm so fucked up or something that all I want to do is lay in bed and listen to sad sappy love songs and cry my eyes out cause everything has built up so much all I can do is cry.  Everything is so horrible all I feel like doing is legit go to sleep and not wake up for a few days so I can do nothing but heal myself from all this shit I have been doing to myself.

I'm tired, so very tired of everything; of being everyone's rock, their emotional punching bag, the tag line of jokes made by fucking family members my own mother even, of being ignored, of feeling like the black sheep, of not being able to turn off my abilities for fear of not being able to turn them back on, of being scared of letting the true me show through for fear of people and what they say about me, of being grouped with people because of my religious choices, of letting people in only to have my stain glass heart broken again and a few little peices taken away so that I have to put it all back together when nothing fits together again, of live but not living just the way my life is right now.

I've done every thing they say to do, to pray, to ask forgiveness, to repent, to help others, to seek help, but when prayers go unanswered, forgiveness isn't given, repents aren't heard, with others don't need your help, when to seek help means I'll be locked up and deemed insane and tests ran on me; what do I do when all else fails?  When all the meditation just sets you on edge, when simple conversations feel like direct attacks, when life is on its head.... sleep that is a good answer.

Well Lisha, what happens when you can't sleep?

That's simple, its something called "Curl up and Cry."  Have any of you heard of it?  Show of hands.  Well if you raised your hand then you understand me, good but you are also raising your hand in front of your computer like an idiot.

Okay all joking aside, literally every night I'm having a "Dark Day" (or in this case night/ morning) and I can't sleep I curl up in a ball and cry hysterically with music playing so no one hears me gasping for air cause I have cried so hard I'm literally having heaves in my chest from my lungs trying to overwork themselves.  Most of these, thankfully, leave me so exhausted I fall asleep still crying and heaving for breath but then you have the ones like this one where I have been in my room since 10 pm est and it is now 5:22 am est and I have pretty much been crying most of the time besides the portion where I was talking to my boyfriend from 10 pm est to 12 am est. I will probably fall asleep after the sun comes up shortly and then wake up about noon getting less than six hours of sleep and that will be my normal for a few days.

Hello Health!

       Okay so it has been about a year ago now that I have been on here and I have decided I would come back after a rough year of forgetting people and finding new people to fill my life with and also finding myself again.  

       When I started this whole journey back in November of 2013 I weighed almost four hundred pounds.  I now, remarkably, weigh three hundred and thirty-six pounds.  To some people they would look at that number and cringe or throw up in their mouth or say "Poor thing, she'll die young."  Well when I look at that number I am happy and pleased over what i have done and that I did it with little or not help from anyone else.  

       Looking at myself over the past few months I have had ups and downs, mainly downs and well even when I had the downs and wanted to absolutely quit I had people helping me, pushing me, reminding me of how much I need to change for myself.  Now I have a wonderful boyfriend who I am madly in love with who is with me every step of the way and he is helping to keep me on track and motivated when i just want to quit.  I am quite happy I have him and I am on my way to a better me!

Dark Day

Okay so it seems that every time I attempt to find someone to get to know better and/or someone I like, they just decide not to even fucking care about me and just look the other direction when I want to even as much as say hi to them.  To be honest it fucking sucks like nothing else in my life except maybe deaths that have occurred. I mean its not the fact that things have happened to make me want to curl up and die its just that all these things that have been occurring make my already bad self-esteem problems even worse cause I feel as if I am somehow inadequate for people in general and because of it I cower back hiding when I want to be standing in front fighting instead of having someone fight for me.  I feel so inferior to all these girls walking around with perfect bodies and long pretty hair, sparkling eyes and are always so easy to find someway to be cute even when they are wearing 'no makeup' and 'comfy clothes' but when I literally wear no makeup and my comfy clothes I get looked at like I am a disease or something contagious that should be killed with fire or something.  I mean for some people they don't really care what people look at them as but when your whole life you have been told you are fat and ugly and useless after about thirteen years of it it seems to be what you listen to and you don't believe people when they say that they think you are smart and beautiful and the only thing they want in the world.  My boyfriend is trying to get me to believe that I am smart and beautiful inside and out and useful but so far it hasn't worked I just worry more than ever before anymore.  All I really need is someone to talk to, someone to curl up with my head on their chest and talk to crying the whole time and they won't judge and won't get mad if I fall asleep from crying so much.  Is that to much to ask????

Introduction

Ok so this is mainly going to be a place for me to vent, post snipits of my life and things I am drawing or writing.  I am going to try and use this as a way to keep me sane through my Freshman year of college. 

So a little bit about me before I jump into blog posts and stuff here soon so I guess this would be an introductory blog post?

As I have stated before I am a college freshman and things have been quite hectic.  I have already experienced more things than I should have in my short 18 years on this planet.  I have multiple personality disorder, ADHD and bipolar disorder.  No medicines work, the doctors tried and failed so I have lived with it for quite a while. My name is Alisha, I was an only child but that is a story for another time.  I have had bouts with depression to the point where all I want to do is curl up in a ball and die and I have done quite a bit of self mutilation in the form of cutting, starvation and bulimia but you wouldn't know unless you asked cause I don't look like it.  I am a huge nerd and I tend to over think things and I am really dramatic when it comes to things I care about.  I am an avid reader, I write and I also draw.  (Not that my writing and drawing are any good but hey I try.) 

Well since I don't quite know what else to write I am signing off from college.  Have a fun time till I talk to you kitties next.