Dark Day

Okay so it seems that every time I attempt to find someone to get to know better and/or someone I like, they just decide not to even fucking care about me and just look the other direction when I want to even as much as say hi to them.  To be honest it fucking sucks like nothing else in my life except maybe deaths that have occurred. I mean its not the fact that things have happened to make me want to curl up and die its just that all these things that have been occurring make my already bad self-esteem problems even worse cause I feel as if I am somehow inadequate for people in general and because of it I cower back hiding when I want to be standing in front fighting instead of having someone fight for me.  I feel so inferior to all these girls walking around with perfect bodies and long pretty hair, sparkling eyes and are always so easy to find someway to be cute even when they are wearing 'no makeup' and 'comfy clothes' but when I literally wear no makeup and my comfy clothes I get looked at like I am a disease or something contagious that should be killed with fire or something.  I mean for some people they don't really care what people look at them as but when your whole life you have been told you are fat and ugly and useless after about thirteen years of it it seems to be what you listen to and you don't believe people when they say that they think you are smart and beautiful and the only thing they want in the world.  My boyfriend is trying to get me to believe that I am smart and beautiful inside and out and useful but so far it hasn't worked I just worry more than ever before anymore.  All I really need is someone to talk to, someone to curl up with my head on their chest and talk to crying the whole time and they won't judge and won't get mad if I fall asleep from crying so much.  Is that to much to ask????